After yesterdays happenings, I believe I am two steps closer to a better, happier me. I'm not sure what kind of news I might have here over the week, but I will follow in the footsteps of LeBron and Kevin Farmer by making a big production out of whatever announcement I have. Look for my version of "The Decision" to be coming soon!
I've been awake for a ridiculous amount of time for the first time in a long time. Yep. I awoke Monday around 10 am. It is Wednesday at 6:30 am. I must say I am going to do a lot, a lot of sleeping here in about an hour.
10 days until we move!
8.15.2010
Cleaning Day
Starting to gain some ground from the complete meteor train-wreck that the past month has been. Today did great deal of cleaning and organizing, and found some things that I had been missing. Two weeks until we move. Still looking for that second job, which is impossible to locate when I am working first shifts or third shifts and my schedule changes every two days.
Shoulders workout at the gym earlier today. Will probably get some Rooster's when Cody gets off work, and then back to the gym for a light biceps workout to make up for yesterday.
8.13.2010
I must say, I am not doing so well
Time for a heart-to-heart; a little session of honesty, if you will.
The journey of this blog has seen a majority of positive, energetic posting. I like to think that among many friends that I'm known as the stress-free guy who's always having a great time, no matter what. Well I'm breaking down.
Today I couldn't find my keys. I can't ever find anything here. It's a mess. I don't have any room to keep any of my stuff. So my clothes, belongings, and random things I bring in/out of the apartment are piled up in front of a closet next to the front door. I am always in a hurry. I fling stuff here and there without thinking, because I am always being rushed. Whether by work or other schedule committments, and I've had it.
Everything that I had wanted in a job was presented in front of me before I moved down here. As time went on you could say that I heard and saw things from behind the "curtain" there, and now this curtain has been pulled violently back, exposing the driving force of what is becoming one of the darkest periods of my life.
While searching around the apartment for my keys I think to myself, 'you probably locked them in the car before the gym yesterday.' I fling open the door, touch only one of the 9-10 steps as I descend the stairs, and then calmly begin walking toward the parking lot. Not seeing my car, I realize I parked on the street last night and walk down to Neil Ave. No car. Right away I know it. Street sweeping/cleaning goes down on the second Friday of each month.
I finally get a little bit of a routine going down. A set schedule. 7a-3p everyday this week. Until last night, when I am notified I am going back to thirds right away. My sleep schedule is not set for that, and of course today I wake up at 8:30am and can't go back to sleep. I'll be awake all day and go into work at 11pm, only to get off at 7am and head out for Bluffton immediately so I can sleep all the way up to the alumni game at 6pm. And after that's over? I'll drive back to Columbus right away to be right back at work at 11. Isn't life great?
Street sweeping on the second Friday of each month. My car is gone; towed again. There is no signage indicating where it might be, and I go into panic mode. Ok, it's more like completely-out-of-my-mind mode. Now I have no idea where my keys are and I have to call family back in Bluffton because it's possible my keys are inside the Escape. Luckily they are amazing.
Phone call from work. Something about me coming in early. Now the real me wants to get in there asap so I can help, because all of us there are having to do extraordinary jobs just to keep the place afloat. But what does the current me want to say? Hah.. I won't include that on here.
Now I have to find where my car is. I'm currently waiting on fam to arrive with a spare key. Other troubles? I have extra expenses coming here soon that I've never had before. No matter how much of myself I dedicate to this job, in a few months it will be over for all of us, I must find a back up plan. In addition to all of this, friends that I haven't seen or heard from in awhile have recently taken up a decent portion of my daily thoughts.
I'm starting to believe that I never should have taken the job, I never should have moved, and never should have thought that this was a step to making anything out of myself. I'm down and out, on the ground and defeated. We've all been there. But how do I get back up? Am I strong enough to endure what's about to happen? And for the first time in my adult life, I am not sure if I am.
The journey of this blog has seen a majority of positive, energetic posting. I like to think that among many friends that I'm known as the stress-free guy who's always having a great time, no matter what. Well I'm breaking down.
Today I couldn't find my keys. I can't ever find anything here. It's a mess. I don't have any room to keep any of my stuff. So my clothes, belongings, and random things I bring in/out of the apartment are piled up in front of a closet next to the front door. I am always in a hurry. I fling stuff here and there without thinking, because I am always being rushed. Whether by work or other schedule committments, and I've had it.
Everything that I had wanted in a job was presented in front of me before I moved down here. As time went on you could say that I heard and saw things from behind the "curtain" there, and now this curtain has been pulled violently back, exposing the driving force of what is becoming one of the darkest periods of my life.
While searching around the apartment for my keys I think to myself, 'you probably locked them in the car before the gym yesterday.' I fling open the door, touch only one of the 9-10 steps as I descend the stairs, and then calmly begin walking toward the parking lot. Not seeing my car, I realize I parked on the street last night and walk down to Neil Ave. No car. Right away I know it. Street sweeping/cleaning goes down on the second Friday of each month.
I finally get a little bit of a routine going down. A set schedule. 7a-3p everyday this week. Until last night, when I am notified I am going back to thirds right away. My sleep schedule is not set for that, and of course today I wake up at 8:30am and can't go back to sleep. I'll be awake all day and go into work at 11pm, only to get off at 7am and head out for Bluffton immediately so I can sleep all the way up to the alumni game at 6pm. And after that's over? I'll drive back to Columbus right away to be right back at work at 11. Isn't life great?
Street sweeping on the second Friday of each month. My car is gone; towed again. There is no signage indicating where it might be, and I go into panic mode. Ok, it's more like completely-out-of-my-mind mode. Now I have no idea where my keys are and I have to call family back in Bluffton because it's possible my keys are inside the Escape. Luckily they are amazing.
Phone call from work. Something about me coming in early. Now the real me wants to get in there asap so I can help, because all of us there are having to do extraordinary jobs just to keep the place afloat. But what does the current me want to say? Hah.. I won't include that on here.
Now I have to find where my car is. I'm currently waiting on fam to arrive with a spare key. Other troubles? I have extra expenses coming here soon that I've never had before. No matter how much of myself I dedicate to this job, in a few months it will be over for all of us, I must find a back up plan. In addition to all of this, friends that I haven't seen or heard from in awhile have recently taken up a decent portion of my daily thoughts.
I'm starting to believe that I never should have taken the job, I never should have moved, and never should have thought that this was a step to making anything out of myself. I'm down and out, on the ground and defeated. We've all been there. But how do I get back up? Am I strong enough to endure what's about to happen? And for the first time in my adult life, I am not sure if I am.
8.11.2010
Longer than expected - Philadelphia recap
Well, Philadelphia was one crazy fun time. We won 2-1, and post-game activities were fulfillingly wild. While tailgating I managed to fall into some sort of hole in an abandoned garage and that hurt just a little, haha. In fact my arm is still bruised.After the game we arrived at the Crowne Plaza hotel in downtown Philly, threw on a new shirt and headed out for Fado with some of the guys. A few hours later had the chance to meet up with lovely Meagan. A fountain dive and glass of wine later definitely made for a memorable night in my book.
I had wanted to do a more in-depth recap of the trip, but too much time has passed and my mind is now once again filled with the stresses of the life.
Soccer league on Monday, our winning streak continued to four. Yep, four in a row. We ironed out a 1-0 victory over the 5th seeded team in the tourney. To put that in perspective, we were the 10th seed.. so yeah, a 1-0 win over those guys feels real good.
Dinner last night at Mac's with some friends, then some pool at Hendoc's.
Cannot begin to describe the level that my stress has been at lately, but with last night being pretty decent, hopefully that stress is starting to top off.
8.04.2010
Sinking ship or nose-diving plane.. no matter how you look at it, it's going down
Exhale.
What a(n) _______. Insert words such as circus, joke, mistake, shame, embarrassment, experience, etc. Suggestions welcome.
In the past week or less, the GM who hired me has been fired, two employees up and left, and more could follow. New faces have been brought in to really shake things up. I mean I am someone who welcomes change, but come on. This stuff's getting real. Who signs up for something like this? Example: One day I get to work. Less than five minutes into my shift, a superior arrives and notices a fingerprint smear on the front desk. I fear that something as simple as that, and I am in no way joking about this, could cost me my position. I have worked plenty of restaurants and odd jobs here and there. I've been around good people, and I've been around trash. We have (or, had) a good group of people here! It's so frustrating when our people whom try so hard, have innovative ideas, and take initiative and get things done, are having to walk away because ownership wants to change directions.
I cannot even complete the audit tonight. And I'm supposed to be doing it like 5 times a week now. I understand why the other night auditor left, he had his reasons. But seriously man? If we all quit jobs at the first sign of something negative where would this world be. I know I'd be screwed, but apparently you'll be just fine. Instead of staying and helping your fellow employees through all of this transition, you just bail for "moral" reasons. Well if it was me, and it has been, my morals would say to stay on as one of those good people. They would say, 'hey Paul, not only will you be out of a job if you quit, but you are going to royally screw up the schedules of those who worked with you and cause an insane amount of turmoil in their lives, all because you couldn't handle three days of something different.' Ha. Call it "noble" or whatever if you want. Thanks.
This is all so stressful. I have never been more nervous about something like this. I can't even count how many work days I've worked consecutively now. Have a meeting today at 9 and I'm crossing my fingers. Then leaving for Philadelphia tomorrow morning.
What a(n) _______. Insert words such as circus, joke, mistake, shame, embarrassment, experience, etc. Suggestions welcome.
In the past week or less, the GM who hired me has been fired, two employees up and left, and more could follow. New faces have been brought in to really shake things up. I mean I am someone who welcomes change, but come on. This stuff's getting real. Who signs up for something like this? Example: One day I get to work. Less than five minutes into my shift, a superior arrives and notices a fingerprint smear on the front desk. I fear that something as simple as that, and I am in no way joking about this, could cost me my position. I have worked plenty of restaurants and odd jobs here and there. I've been around good people, and I've been around trash. We have (or, had) a good group of people here! It's so frustrating when our people whom try so hard, have innovative ideas, and take initiative and get things done, are having to walk away because ownership wants to change directions.
I cannot even complete the audit tonight. And I'm supposed to be doing it like 5 times a week now. I understand why the other night auditor left, he had his reasons. But seriously man? If we all quit jobs at the first sign of something negative where would this world be. I know I'd be screwed, but apparently you'll be just fine. Instead of staying and helping your fellow employees through all of this transition, you just bail for "moral" reasons. Well if it was me, and it has been, my morals would say to stay on as one of those good people. They would say, 'hey Paul, not only will you be out of a job if you quit, but you are going to royally screw up the schedules of those who worked with you and cause an insane amount of turmoil in their lives, all because you couldn't handle three days of something different.' Ha. Call it "noble" or whatever if you want. Thanks.
This is all so stressful. I have never been more nervous about something like this. I can't even count how many work days I've worked consecutively now. Have a meeting today at 9 and I'm crossing my fingers. Then leaving for Philadelphia tomorrow morning.
7.25.2010
Jack and Rain, Crew destroy Houston
New comment up in the comment section of the "Lucky" post. Actually, it's more like a post in itself, maybe I should give it it's own? Hmm. Anyway, I'm liking the feedback and show of opinion, keep the discussions coming!
Jack Johnson's show was simple yet amazing. Him and his guys are so talented, I highly recommend. Beautiful weather until everyone left for their cars. I was soaked by the time I found the Escape.
On Saturday I went and watched Houston flop around in a 3-0 loss at the hands of your Columbus Crew. Columbus now takes an 8-point 1st-place lead over 2nd-place New York in the Eastern Conference.
7.22.2010
O.A.R.
One of the top 3 concerts I've ever seen, actually might be the best! Can't wait for liveoar.com to post the show. They came on at 9pm and went till, 11:20 maybe? Just wouldn't stop letting us sing Road Outside Columbus back to them, I'll never stop seeing this band.
Next up, Jack Johnson in Noblesville, IN tomorrow.
7.13.2010
Lucky
As mentioned two (or three?) posts ago, I had a long session on the bike (11 miles?) a few Sunday nights ago. That night at the gym, specifically on the bike, I thought about a lot.
Over the course of each of our lives, we all obviously hit the typical obstacles. Some of us hit some of the more personal ones, the rarer ones. Now it's well-known that people either deal with it or they don't. I've certainly been on the don't side, but how low on that side? In reality, I haven't had it physically as low as others, but mentally I've been right there. Most people hardly ever have it that bad, we here in the states hardly ever know real problems. However, my own dark times lead me to be isolated among those with problems I couldn't imagine. Problems that make issues like depression, anxiety or attention-deficit look like nothing. Medications can be prescribed and appointments made as you go on from one doctor to another. Your behaviors and the reactions to those around you are changed. However those feelings of darkness, loneliness, emptyness, or whatever you want to call it, are not.
So how does one go from not dealing with it, to overcoming it? Medications can make you feel like a different person, or can make you not feel at all. If you're on a specific medication and you're feeling all great and positive directly because of the medicine, are you better off? No.
Is it realistic to feel that you like yourself better while on the medication? Has all that weight been lifted off your shoulders? No, and no. It is not realistic, and the weight has simply been shifted. When your body adapts to the dosage and that med doesn't free you of those demons any longer, what do you do? You up the dosage, or you move to a higher prescription. Is this healthy? No. Does it ultimately solve your issues? No. Anyone who claims a substance is their release is completely out of touch with reality. Completely. Those of us who've been there know it's hard, but it's absolutely true. The balance of happiness and sadness in one's life can be a tricky thing. But prescribed or not, meds and substances do not offer true escape. They only numb us, only increase our ability to be passively content with the failures in our lives.
I'm lucky enough to have been surrounded most of my life by people who helped bring me out of a darker period. People can voice the potential they see in you or they can make excuses for you. Fortunately I learned the difference. Sweeping our problems under the rug for some temporary-fantasy escape of reality is nothing but a detriment to ourselves and a flat-out insult to those who see the best in us. It wasn't anything that I put into my body to make me discover the love for me. If anything it was getting off of meds that made me see the foolishness and selfishness in believing that a drug can change your core for the better. One too many fall for the illusion and let the excuses (lies) become the truth in their eyes.
So, so fortunate. The family, the friends I've had, the loves I've shared, the strangers I've met among travels. I've seen the good, bad, ugly, and outright disgusting. But the positive support, the positive reflection you can be shown of yourself through these familar and unfamilar faces will do more for you than any med or drug will. I love that I love the me that I am of every second during every day without the help of anything. If you live your life dependent on anything other than yourself, and positive friends and family, then you're quite honestly and quite sadly, lost.
Over the course of each of our lives, we all obviously hit the typical obstacles. Some of us hit some of the more personal ones, the rarer ones. Now it's well-known that people either deal with it or they don't. I've certainly been on the don't side, but how low on that side? In reality, I haven't had it physically as low as others, but mentally I've been right there. Most people hardly ever have it that bad, we here in the states hardly ever know real problems. However, my own dark times lead me to be isolated among those with problems I couldn't imagine. Problems that make issues like depression, anxiety or attention-deficit look like nothing. Medications can be prescribed and appointments made as you go on from one doctor to another. Your behaviors and the reactions to those around you are changed. However those feelings of darkness, loneliness, emptyness, or whatever you want to call it, are not.
So how does one go from not dealing with it, to overcoming it? Medications can make you feel like a different person, or can make you not feel at all. If you're on a specific medication and you're feeling all great and positive directly because of the medicine, are you better off? No.
Is it realistic to feel that you like yourself better while on the medication? Has all that weight been lifted off your shoulders? No, and no. It is not realistic, and the weight has simply been shifted. When your body adapts to the dosage and that med doesn't free you of those demons any longer, what do you do? You up the dosage, or you move to a higher prescription. Is this healthy? No. Does it ultimately solve your issues? No. Anyone who claims a substance is their release is completely out of touch with reality. Completely. Those of us who've been there know it's hard, but it's absolutely true. The balance of happiness and sadness in one's life can be a tricky thing. But prescribed or not, meds and substances do not offer true escape. They only numb us, only increase our ability to be passively content with the failures in our lives.
I'm lucky enough to have been surrounded most of my life by people who helped bring me out of a darker period. People can voice the potential they see in you or they can make excuses for you. Fortunately I learned the difference. Sweeping our problems under the rug for some temporary-fantasy escape of reality is nothing but a detriment to ourselves and a flat-out insult to those who see the best in us. It wasn't anything that I put into my body to make me discover the love for me. If anything it was getting off of meds that made me see the foolishness and selfishness in believing that a drug can change your core for the better. One too many fall for the illusion and let the excuses (lies) become the truth in their eyes.
So, so fortunate. The family, the friends I've had, the loves I've shared, the strangers I've met among travels. I've seen the good, bad, ugly, and outright disgusting. But the positive support, the positive reflection you can be shown of yourself through these familar and unfamilar faces will do more for you than any med or drug will. I love that I love the me that I am of every second during every day without the help of anything. If you live your life dependent on anything other than yourself, and positive friends and family, then you're quite honestly and quite sadly, lost.
VFC Monday Night league: Season update
Okay. So last night we were off'ed 3-1, or 4-1. So until further notice, we are assuming every game will be a loss for the rest of the season, that way there are no more disappointments or surprises!
7.06.2010
A weekend of music, fireworks, pain, and gain
Thursday, 7/1- Karaoke at Mickey's in Grandview. Great time with Cody, Eug and Melissa. Featuring all your favorite classics from Van Halen, Beach Boys, Hinder, the Beatles, Sublime, and Josh Turner lol. Plus many more but there was a lot of singing that night, and I'm not quick to remember them.
Saturday, 7/3- Some of my fam came down to visit. Accompanied them while they did some shopping, drove around and saw some sights, then had dinner at the Gahanna Grill. They left, and I sat on top of my car and watched the OSU fireworks going off across the street.
Sunday, 7/4- Sunday night was a little random. Biked 11 miles with Eugene. I had a lot of thoughts during this time on the bike, those to come later today or maybe tomorrow. For now I'll just say that I'm glad that I am surrounded by and choose to be surrounded by positive people in my life.
Friday, 7/2- My first chest/triceps workout in like two weeks. Was definitely feeling it and were thinking hot tub that day, but more important
things loomed. We got some chairs, a table, cooler, ice, and some beer all packed into the back of the Escape to take over to Tarah's rooftop party for the fireworks. Pretty sweet view. Rooftop beer pong. Karaoke guy from Thursday lives there, funny. The events following that are wiped clear from my memory, including the alleged three mile walk from Grandview back to the Short North.
things loomed. We got some chairs, a table, cooler, ice, and some beer all packed into the back of the Escape to take over to Tarah's rooftop party for the fireworks. Pretty sweet view. Rooftop beer pong. Karaoke guy from Thursday lives there, funny. The events following that are wiped clear from my memory, including the alleged three mile walk from Grandview back to the Short North.Saturday, 7/3- Some of my fam came down to visit. Accompanied them while they did some shopping, drove around and saw some sights, then had dinner at the Gahanna Grill. They left, and I sat on top of my car and watched the OSU fireworks going off across the street.
Sunday, 7/4- Sunday night was a little random. Biked 11 miles with Eugene. I had a lot of thoughts during this time on the bike, those to come later today or maybe tomorrow. For now I'll just say that I'm glad that I am surrounded by and choose to be surrounded by positive people in my life.
7.01.2010
A pretty decent Wednesday, not gonna lie
With financial crisis lurking in the near future, I've been considering what would be the best second job. So far I'm thinking:
A) Cab driver
B) Turkey Hill cashier
C) Pizza delivery
D) Server
E) Retail
Now, D and E are really the only serious options.. but what the hell, why not joke about it a little, right?
Soccer tonight
I got a call from my friend to come and play with all of his friends. Meaning I played with about 30 Mexicans, and it was a great time. You know how, if you go downtown and play basketball in a "street" game, how you're probably going to get roughed up a little? That is how this was. No fouls, no corners or throw-ins. Just kick back in and go hard. Netted my first goal of the summer right before we ended too, which happened after I faked out one of the more physical guys and hit a solid shot just inside near post about waist-high. Golden. Was something I had to do if I was going to get any props out there as the only non-Mexican. Looking forward to playing more Wednesdays!
A) Cab driver
B) Turkey Hill cashier
C) Pizza delivery
D) Server
E) Retail
Now, D and E are really the only serious options.. but what the hell, why not joke about it a little, right?
Soccer tonight
I got a call from my friend to come and play with all of his friends. Meaning I played with about 30 Mexicans, and it was a great time. You know how, if you go downtown and play basketball in a "street" game, how you're probably going to get roughed up a little? That is how this was. No fouls, no corners or throw-ins. Just kick back in and go hard. Netted my first goal of the summer right before we ended too, which happened after I faked out one of the more physical guys and hit a solid shot just inside near post about waist-high. Golden. Was something I had to do if I was going to get any props out there as the only non-Mexican. Looking forward to playing more Wednesdays!
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