Never enough

Sometimes I feel like it's never enough, and by "it's" I mean me. I'm not sure what vibe I give off that has become this subconscious killswitch in my social life. All I know is that regardless of all my ramblings about life, living this way or doing things that way, at the end of the day I'm someone who wants to be capable of so many great things. A closet romantic I am, and I'm beginning to think that I've talked myself into not ever being able to realize these great things.

One after another. Sigh.

Wait, is that.. yes it is.. sunshine!

Looks like the two weeks of cloudy days, off and on rain, and random downpours could be over... for the moment. I've heard the forecast went from a week of sun to only three to four days. The sun, however, could not have shown up at a better time, as it's been two weeks since you could do anything outside in the sun and that surely gets me irritated. Here's to some rays.

Busy weekend at work. Just a busy weekend in general. A busy one where I've faced an unpleasant variety of socially awkward situations anywhere I've been. But you'll have that, right?

In other interests:

-LOST finale tonight. I only fell in love with this show maybe, three months ago? I'm sure it will be an interesting 2.5 hours.

-On Thursday, Columbus beat Red Bull New York to take over first place in the East, continue their undefeated season of 5-0-2, and continue to get off to best start in club history. Columbus travels to Kansas City tonight for their second match in four days.

Inside my head: Thinking and questioning the way, here are some of the answers

Between my travels and within my writings, it becomes clearer and clearer to me that the timing of events, of situations, in one's life only have purpose within just that - one's individual life. It doesn't involve a higher power, it doesn't involve any other human or future. It is all you. This timing prepares each and every one of us for those "how do I?" moments. The only way we overcome, the only way we survive or succeed is based on one simple thing. When we arrive at those moments, what have we done throughout the years of our pasts to answer this question in the present? What scenarios did we learn adversity from? We can pretend to ask others for their opinion, advice, or their solution. None of that matters. Friends, family, gods, strangers, co-workers, etc. You can perceive their input as important as you want; fact of the matter is that if you follow any of the aforementioned, you are in no way true to yourself. You leave your path. You redirect your journey.

Your educated gut feeling (it is educated whether you feel it is or not. Your life has specifically prepared you for these moments. Moments that may be falsely common to some, but are truly unique to you), the one that certain third party opinions will stand behind and others will try to thwart, is the one and only way. Some will have experienced similar chain of events and each will give what they believe is the adequate equation to solve the problems that find you through life. Again- your past experiences, your common knowledge, that "gut" feeling to make a decision that disregards the social norms. The options you weigh on your mind are yours and yours alone, no matter how common they might seem among those around you. Each thought, each passing minute, each sunset has a message. If we don't take the time to add these messages up as they come, then we scramble for answers when a critical moment arrives. We seek the help that others ultimately cannot give, no matter how close the friend, how loved the family member, or how high the god. Have you paid attention to the timing of events in your seemingly normal, routine, every-day life? You will not make it through as your true self if you don't.

An evening chat with Kevin Farmer

11:56pm Me
earing in the tongue and she know whata do wit it

11:57pmKevin
haha....what's that from?

11:58pmMe
lol freek a leek

11:58pmKevin
I've never heard it...:-p

11:59pmMe
hmmmmmmm is this kevo-bot? the real kevo is locked up in the kevo-bunker isnt he

11:59pmKevin
beep boop....error. can not compute. Today.
please input your 24 digit pin code to continue

12:03amMe
4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42

12:03amKevin
processing...
please hold
processing...
processing...
loading...
loading...
loading...
access Granted!
welcome PAUL G

12:04amMe
kevo-bot, what have you done with kevo!?

12:05amKevin
Kevo is out...press pound to leave a message

12:05amMe
#

12:06amKevin
hello you've reached the voice mail of Kevin and I'm not available, please leave a message after the tone
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

12:10amMe
kevin dude, i sent you an obvi freek-a-leek line and you asked me what's that from. I knew right away it was an imposter. the chat went offline, and he now has automated msgs answering me. he won't let me contact you directly, he's forwarding all questions to KevoMail. i can be reached at 614.228.6511 until 7am. i hope you escape soon, it won't be long till he finds the cessna, 2 tons of coke and the guns.

12:11amKevin
error...you're message has not been recorded...to re-record your message, press 1, if you are satisfied with your message, you may hang up now

12:12am Me
son of a bitch. err. 1

Incredible finish to Crew vs Revs, Tonight: my first outdoor game since highschool (UPDATED)

Saturday marked my first Crew game of the 2010 season. 3-2 win, on a Robbie Rogers goal in the 90th minute. Wild night.

I joined a local 16-team Vineyard FC league in Westerville. Couldn't find my beloved Predators, so my brother has the Mercurial Vapor's and loved them and he recommended the cheaper Talaria's. Absolutely love them. UPDATE: Four goals scored in the first half kinda sealed our fate. Late in the first half I switched from left back to stopper. The second half we had zero goals scored on us, so as my new teammate Kyle said, we can take something from that. FT: 0-4, loss

"From the neck-down, a man is worth $.10 an hour, from the neck up.. he's worth $.90"

I just had one of the most genius conversations with a guest that I've ever had. The quote in the title of this post was something he repeated to me 2 or 3 times.

"When I brought my highschool diploma home and showed my dad, he looked at me and said, 'That's great, you're 18. Get out.' The next week I was on an oil tanker in Saudi Arabia. I'd do one tour and come home; have 20,000 in the bank. Do another tour, come home; have 30,000 in the bank. 40,000. 50,000. At 27 I bought my first house. You gotta work man. You work hard and you keep your head on straight and you'll have people fist-fighting to have you work for them. Fist-fighting."

He went on to explain how his oldest son, turning 27 on Wednesday, had to be kicked out of the house three times now and had no motivation to work. This made me think about some of my acquaintances and how they too seem to have never given a shit about where they end up in life. They work job to job and quit job to job, and somehow seem to be doing better than me. How is that?

"Now listen to me. I swear, don't ever have kids. They only drag you down from day one. They cost more than your life does and in today's world it's worse than a 50/50 chance that they will amount to anything."

I replied while laughing, "Hah, that's all my grandparents ever tell me. So ya don't have to preach it too hard to me, I'm already convinced."

The man continued with memories of him being a tugboat captain throughout the gulf shores. "God I loved it. You would never think it, but best job in the world, man. Best job in the world."

"Do you miss the water?" I asked with a smile. I didn't have it in me to ask him about the current situation down there. Besides, I really needed to get back to work.

"Man, you have no idea. Tugboat captain. Best job in the world."

Funny how this all ties into the post that I wrote out only, what, an hour before? And that I have this in-depth of a conversation with someone who ends up reassuring me that the way I live and think really is the way I need to live. It wouldn't have surprised me at all if he had a hook bracelet on. Walking to the elevator to meet his temporary home for the night, he looked back and left me with this:

"We either sink or we swim, man. Don't be afraid to sink. We learn to think quicker, work harder. We get back on top. It's sink or swim."

Feeling alive, feeling good

Never sure when the truth won't do, I'm pretty good on a lonely night

I move on the way a storm blows through.. never stay but then again I might

Struggle sometimes to find the words, always sure until I doubt

walk a line until it blurs, build walls too high to climb out

But I'm honest to a fault, it's just who I am..

Wow, what a crazy two weeks.

I'm finally starting to feel alive again, but ironically it's because of how tired I've ended up being after these last few weeks. It's strange when you can say you miss getting through the day on little sleep, is it not? But that's how I've always operated at my best. Having a lot on my mind, feeling the pressure of so many things to do in a short period of time, and doing whatever I want to with no regard for time, the need to rest for the next task, or the need to rest to survive.

I used to be such an emotional person. I would put so much stock into everything I did. It's a strange concept to some when they see how I am quite the opposite these days. There's hardly any emotion to anything I do. Most ask the typical questions, and I simply shrug my shoulders and give a nonchalant answer. I live pretty laid back. I get done what needs done, I do what I do in the night life, and I live to out-do myself from the night before. It is this self-reflection that I hope to be able to write more about in the coming months.

An old tv personality used to shout into a microphone, "the only thing that's for sure, is that nothing's for sure." I do know one thing though- that right now, I love my life. As for the many interchangeable variables that I encounter here and there, that's just what they are. A part of my life that is destined to come and go. It's how I stay on top of things, how I keep sharp and continue to keep things feeling fresh. Honestly at this point in my life, I don't see how I could ever change or give that up.

Two years of opinions, feelings, and thoughts burst out into the open today

The big one.

Here we have two people. Over the last two years, little by little, there have been many thoughts but few words between them. From time to time they have a good conversation, in one way or another it seems like catching up as old friends. Both have things they haven't mentioned, things that eventually need to be said. Roughly two years to-the-day later, one half of this equation was thinking about it too much and mentioned to the other how long it had been. The other half, suddenly aware of this, also expressed their concerns. Despite all this time passed, they discovered a little common ground almost right away. The half that had originally brought it up never meant for it to be the long, revealing conversation that it became. Never meant for both to be asking questions as if that day two years ago had just happened.

"..lovers they have come before, and they will come again. No one's ever loved before, the way that I loved then.." -Marc Roberge, Irish Rose

I honestly cannot believe this went down the way it did. I never intended for it to get as in depth as it did. When she asks "why didn't you tell me this before? I've spent so much time trying to move on and getting close to him." In my eyes, that translates to: 'would absolutely love to see you again, I almost need to, but I'm comfortably happy enough to say that, eh, I'm just gonna stick with this.' So, why didn't you ever speak up? When today, two years later, you tell me "we were one of a kind that's for sure," and "no one could ever be like us," among other very obvious statements. You say it's because you had to move on. Ha. I think it is clear that you believe you belong elsewhere than what you're with now.

Can I say what the future, near or far, has planned for anyone? No. And neither can she or anyone else. But when someone who's been in a relationship with the same boy since leaving me has repeatedly told me that I'm the one that most relates to them, most understands them, I confidently say that it shouldn't surprise either person when they run into each other again someday. There is something unbelievably poetic about what happened today. Unbelievably poetic and uniquely tragic just the same.The fact that she still had to ask me questions about my friends (that were girls! Gasp!) from back then, and still hasn't accepted that they were never anything more than decent friends, did surprise me. If the realization that you broke off the best thing for you over some insecurities bothers you, well it should. A little. That's how life works. You adjust accordingly. Hopefully she has it straight now.

This conversation was guaranteed to happen at some point. Both halves of the equation needed it. Although it appears nothing was really resolved, just informing one another. Two theories from this: 1) Nothing was resolved because neither half wants to close the other off, or 2) Nothing was resolved because it hurts one of them too much to do it because calling it off was a mistake in the first place.

Jumping off a bridge at night, using a tire as a flotation device

It was a couple friends and I, and we were on some bridge after nightfall. Laughing hysterically and trying to avoid something that must have been to our back, we took the leap off of this old, wooden, rusty bridge. Must have been twenty-five, maybe thirty feet tall. One of my friends was using what appeared to be a life preserver of the ring variety, complete with rope and the red "+" on the side. I apparently found a tire for use of the same purpose, and the third in our group simply swam to shore. WTF #1- Once on land, the once very official-looking life ring in which one friend had used for safety, had now taken the image of a small inflatable beach ball. The rest is considerably blurry. I recall being at a house, with both friends and one's girlfriend. Drinking, laughing, and surrounded by both familiar and unfamiliar faces, it was a great time. Someone needed a ride and asked a friend of mine to oblige, which they did and I went along. WTF #2- What must have been a local, unmarked cop pulls them over. However, I'm in the passenger seat of the cruiser, and vaguely recall stating, "yeah.. that's them. We got 'em."

Seven hours after waking up, this is all I can gather. Any thoughts, opinions, or theories on this?

So, I took a position with..., weekend thoughts

Received a phone call yesterday that informed me I'll be brought on by a Comfort Inn & Suites down in the Brewery District/German Village! On Wednesday I go in for the first time, just to kind of see how things are run there. While it is a smaller property, I am extremely excited to see what opportunities this will bring. So far, I know I will be working full-time, learning more operations-wise, and cross-training over in the bar as to help the bartender out on full nights! The location is great. Claddagh's is just 2 streets over, so I feel like I'll be watching a lot of soccer at the pub after work ;) I think I'll start moving my stuff down Saturday. The guys might rearrange the apartment a little bit to accommodate my addition a little better, which is awesome if they do, but I don't want to inconvenience anyone. The lease is up in August, which we will then seek out a 3 bedroom.

Very excited to take this next step in bettering myself and the future. Not only the position, but being a member at the gym, trying new foods, getting into cooking.. all stuff that I can invest more time into here soon.

Weekend thoughts

-Although I have moved away from country music for the most part, I watched the ACM awards tonight. Conclusions: Brad Paisley is such a cool guy, he deserves top honors in the genre. I don't miss Carrie Underwood, she does not deserve any more top honors. ZBB is way underrated.

-I will spend entirely way too much money on Cane's chicken.

-I need to get me a professionalish-type camera.

-Where will I put my bike? Capt. Geno chained his up outside and it was stolen last year.. will I keep it inside, or hide it under some bushes by the river? Stay tuned..

Craigslist = hope, Date Night

Tonight marked the end of my short leave of absence (LOA) from Arby's. While working I realized just how much I can't do this anymore, and decided to let both employers know that I plan to no longer work for them by May 9th. Why May 9th? Well it happens to be one of the busiest weekends for my other job and I feel as if I'll be wanted for that. But to add to the last-month scramble, I searched Craigslist tonight for some more jobs and found 3 that I, once again, am absolutely qualified for. Problem is: two of them I must apply (pick up an app) in person. So.. looks like I might be leaving sooner than I think, but I don't want to let anyone down.

Saw the movie Date Night last night w/ Tara, Cody and Britt. Ahh I love Steve Carell. I thought the movie was pretty funny, maybe it was because I hadn't read reviews like this, or maybe it was because I'm easily amused? Either way I was entertained and would recommend it.